Vent 10-25-18

Today has been ok. My anxietys a little up there right now though.. I'm tired & I really dont want to go back to work. The kids are being demons and for some reason my days are kinda messed up. The positives of today is that I don't close, I went to the med dr and I had coffee earlier. 

Hurting

I don't understand anything right now. I don't understand why I am the way I am or why things aren't seeming to go right. I don't know why I am so worried. Or why I worry & stress myself into sickness, anxiety and depression. I don't understand why I lose full control of myself when I cant control the other side. I shouldn't let it bother me. I should accept and let go - you can never control anyone else but you. I know the reason is that I'm unhappy because of myself, no one else. It's all my fault. It's a harsh and real thing - the only one who can make me happy is me. So why can't I do that for myself? Why am I hurting all the time? Why am I failing? Why do I feel like a failure & a waste of space? Why does anything like this have to affect me... 

Christmas and Winter bucket list

Drive around & look at Christmas lights

Make a gingerbread house

Bake cookies

Decorate a tree

Send Christmas cards

Make snow ice cream

Make a stocking

Do an advent calendar

Go ice skating

Be kissed under mistletoe

Christmas movie marathon

Decorate sugar cookies

Have a christmas craft night

Make homemade hot chocolate

Sit around a fireplace

Play in the snow

Make peppermint bark

Make ornaments

Make a Christmas playlist

Have a snowball fight

Make a snowman

Watch Elf

October 17th ; Journal prompts

1. Who inspires you most in your life?
My daughter. She gives me the strength and energy to keep doing what I'm doing, because I'm doing it for her. She comes before me always. Others may not think I'm the best mom or the greatest, but she does and that's what matters... She makes me want to be a better person and grow to be strong and confident... it's all for her.

2. Your best accomplishment

I don't know if I have a 'best' but I graduated high school, late, but better than never. I had a lot going on at the time and I STILL graduated and did the damn thing. Becoming a mom is another, because I never thought I could be a mom and be a damn good one. Another accomplishment, even though I often complain, is working at my job as long as I have. It's been almost 2 years and that's unreal since I've never had a job more than 6 months in the past. Nor have I really had a job, so staying focused on keeping one, especially a stressful one, is damn impressive.

3.When do you feel most confident?
This is a hard one, because I honestly don't know. Sometimes I'm feeling my makeup or my hair, or my outfit and Im like damn okay I'm cute... but confidence is so much more than looks and this is just a hard question for me. Hoping my confidence improves and I can answer this better in the future...

4. Your favorite personality trait

Hmm. My favorite is probably my kindness... it can have negative set backs, but honestly I have so many people who enjoy talking to me (or they seem to) and I'm usually very kind. I wish I had a better explanation of myself for this one... lol.

5. What makes you happiest in life?
I don't know one specific thing that makes me happiest. I definitely can say my daughter... her hugs and kisses and our time together. My boyfriend is pretty up there, but lower than my daughter obvis. Reading makes me happy. Having a clean environment. Knowing that I'm actually cared for and loved. Cooking. Laying in bed after a rough day at work (or a day at work in general) and just relaxing... music. There's so much happiness in my life that I don't always see but I'm glad I can see it occasionally.

6. Give yourself a compliment.

I did really good at handling myself at work even when Rydik bit me. I stayed calm and didn't freak, which utterly shocked and surprised me. I wish I had a better compliment than that, but this is something.

7.What does your dream life look like?
My dream life looks like living in a nice, comfortable home, living comfortably (not even rich, but knowing I have money if and when I need it...) with a safe and reliable car, my daughter, a man whom I'm married to (no one specific) maybe with a dog. My house would be beautiful. A nice backyard, a porch in the back... a place where I could have a garden. An underground pool would be nice... A fire pit would be nice as well, homemade or bought. I'd love to have a fireplace in my home. With a few rooms. 4 would be ideal. I'd like one for my husband and i, my daughter, a craft room and maybe an office. I'm not planning on any more kids yet, so the rooms would be there if i possibly did. Two bathrooms would be nice. And a whirlpool tub... walk in shower. And the idea of having a washer and dryer would be amazing. Sitting in front of the fire after a long day of earning income and watching tv on a nice warm couch with my husband... the dream life is simple.

8.Set three short term and long term goals for yourself.

Short term - To become more confident, to become healthier and to be happier.

Long term - To get a degree, a car, and a house of my own.

9. What do you need to forgive yourself for?

Not accepting myself for the way I am... I know I should but i also don't need to beat myself up for not being at that place yet.

10.  Your favorite memory.

When my daughter was born, hands down. <3 

October 16th

Today has been rather stressful. Overwhelming. Anxiety ridden. Even though I slept through the night and got a good solid 7 hours plus, I'm so exhausted. Work is wearing me down to the bone. It's way too hard to deal and work with Rydik. I'd love to be able to help him, but his own mom isn't helping... this biting problem has to stop. I mean one or two kids OCCASIONALLY but not every single fucking day... it's just wrong, somethings wrong. And its wearing me out chasing him and fighting him every single day to behave and listen. I just want the best for him but I don't think my job can give it to him. Then I'm praying the comment my boss made wasn't directed to me and my other teachers. "I dunno why you guys are stressed about Rydik." Um, excuse me? My children are being bit. I'm trying to NOT jump to conclusions however and just let it be.

Here's some ways to manage my stress that I am hoping will help me from now on. 

MANAGING STRESS

-Get sleep. 7-9 hours is optimal. Have a routine and a sleep schedule.

-Exercise daily. Work up to 30 minutes a day.

-Hydrate. Drink lots of water! 

-Plan - use your planner to help schedule me time & other important things including household duties, grocery lists, buying options, etc.

Another helpful list... how to worry less.

HOW TO LESSEN YOUR WORRIES

1. Recognize that worrying isn't helping you but instead is draining you and stressing you out.

2. Start noticing when you're worrying and give yourself permission to stop. Remind yourself regularly. 

3.Practice mindfulness meditation for 20 mins a day to learn to let go of unwanted and unnecessary thoughts.

4. Make the distinction between real problems and made up ones that have not happened yet. 

5. Be patient with yourself. Learning how to worry less takes time.

WHAT  I WANT TO WORK ON THE REST OF THE MONTH

-STOP putting myself down. Not everything is my fault. 

-When something is my fault, take responsibility and the proper actions then let it go.

-Worrying less.

-Meditating and being mindful more

-Reading more, less screen time.

-Less 'multi tasking'

-More focus.

-Less anxiety - breathing techniques.

MINDFUL MEDITATION FOR BEGINNERS

-Breathing

Breathe in for 3, hold for 3 and exhale for 3.

-Drink mindfully.

Notice the taste, temperature and how it feels.

-Stretch

Roll your shoulders to relieve any tension

-Connect with nature

Keep a flower close by and notice its beauty.

-Notice your senses.

5 things you can see, hear and feel.

-Eat mindfully

Taste, texture, temperature

-Acknowledge feelings without labeling them

-Washing dishes

Focus on the feelings (water, soap, hand movements)

-Mindful hug

-Journal 

5 things you're grateful for (I want to do more)

-Body scan

Relax any places that have tension

BODY SCAN

-Start at your toes and go through your whole body up to your head. Relax everything

-Relieves stress, relieves tension

NO COMPLAINING

Habits

Morning Routine

1. Make your bed daily - it takes no time & automatically makes your room look more clean.

2.  Eat breakfast - less unhealthy snacking during the day.

3. Try and get up the same time every day - balances your body

Evening Routine

1. Wash dishes right after they are dirtied up, after making dinner - takes less time to clean when you don't leave them

2. Take 10 mins to tidy the house - waking up to a clean house is refreshing.

3. Plan outfits the night before - then you don't have to rush in the morning.

4. Try to go to bed the same time each night.

5. Charge your phone at night only - less time on the phone, save the battery and itll be charged for the day.

Time Management

1. Use your planner to fill in to dos, appointments and anything time related - won't forget and youll be on a schedule.

Paperwork

1. Deal with paper work right away, don't put it into a to do list for later - it'll be done and you won't have to deal with it again.

2. Throw away junk mail asap - it wont be in the way for later.

Finance/Money Habits

1.Keep receipts if necessary in a file - in case you need to return something or watch your spending habits...

Housekeeping 

1. Wipe down shower/bath after every use - keep up on the cleaning & keep it tidy

2.Always put things back where they go - you'll find things when you need them.

3. When cooking tidy up while you go - less mess for later.

4. Make a shopping list when you run out of things or are very close to running out - dont buy more until you know you're almost out.

Health & Fitness

1. Take a daily vitamin

2.Do some exercise each day.